aimless yet not painless

This to you may seem too long ago to have any effect on me now (4 yrs later): in 6th grade i liked this guy for the third yr in a row. at our last dance, i had a friend that was going to ask Ben (the guy i liked) to dance with me. he said yes but during the song he was sposed to dance with me. he asked my friend out. of course i didnt no this had taken place i just knew he didnt dance with me and i was very upset so upset i spent the next four songs crying in the bathroom. when i came out my class wasa standing outside of the bathroom talking about me and i quote "if kirsten likes Ben the way we think she does...." and they stopped when they noticed me. i ended up crying through another dance..(bad day obviously).. then after going back into the gym i noticed ben was crying and i didnt think ne thing of it cuz i was super pissed and i had cried too. i started to huff and puff to show him how pissed i was at him. after the dance my friend told me what went on during our song- she was asked out but said no so i would maybe have a chance with him and becuase she didnt think of him as ne more than a friend. he moved at the end of that yr. 7th grade was one of the worst yrs in whole of my life (so far) i was really upset about never being able to see ben again so that whole yr i was harrassed by my class mates about being pissy all the time when really i wasnt. that yr i was suicidal and the only people that got me through were my best friend and my sister ashley. on the night i planned on killing myself i was at my best friends house getting my haircut and she decided that i should go to the movies with her that night so i did. after the movie i still hadnt changed my mind until i saw ben i was sooooo excited obviously no attempt was made. it took a little bit more than that to totally rid me of depression but that helped the most. 8th grade i was really really close with my class of 21. in fact im still close with almost all of them. 8 th grade graduation was the last time i saw ben. two months ago was how long it took for me to stop blaming ben for the 6th grade dance..
thats 4 yrs.. that doesnt say much..that was when i realized i spent the last 4 yrs mad at him when all he did was fall for my friend. in 4th grade we were best friends (I still liked him).. he holds all my favorite memories between 3rd and 8th grade. this yr my best friend Kitty and i tried to catagorize what i had for him..it wasnt infatuation..i didnt think of him as only hot..i considered his mind before his body.. it wasnt just a crush..its been 7 yrs and im still waiting for him..its love.. he just doesnt no it.. he was told by classmates that i liked him in 6th grade but never by me..a guy friend told me that i might have ended better if id have told him myself....i blew my chances...now everytime i hear the piano being played..or see a great piece of woodwork i think of him...i hear him in his and my friends that we share..i hear him whisper in the wind.. hes in all my pictures..my hopes and dreams..and my future..i refuse anyone but him..

sry for making this one so long.. thanx for reading this and trying to understand... id like to hear your comments.... other than forgive and forget ive tried but i cant forget..
talk to yall latta
Tif
G'night