past/future....

well its about 1 AM and i cant sleep.. yesterday mom tried to talk me into driving to seatle with her over the week before easter.. i dont like driving...its not that its uncomfortable..i just dont like it...driving is a responsibilty that your sposed to acquire with age and i may sound a tad bit like peter pan when i say this but i dont want to grow up.. i like following in your footsteps and i dont like change.. kitty is all excited about going to college and leaving everything she knows and i think she expects me to be the same but i cant be.. i cant even spend time with mom because i feel disconnected from my friends just being in woodbury.. it could be just that i dont get to spend a lot of time with katy or maybe its were really close and we tell eachother everything, but its a lot like how it used to be between you and me.. except not.. i used to wait up at night after you had been somewhere all day just to hear what had happened.. what you did, how things made you feel.. what you didnt like..and then we got older and a little more distant and i dont think you truly realized how much i enjoyed hearing about your day or how so and so pissed you off..dont get me wrong..its not like we dont talk and i think your a terrible person or ne thing.. its just..i dont like change and you moving out was a big one..i know it was something you had to do and had nothing to do with me in the least and i also knew you would be just as great on your own as you were here..or even better and you are.. but some times like at 1 in the morning after a very long week i miss those talks we had..and if i have to start driving more, im gonna have to start facing the fact that everything is changing and i cant do ne thing to stop it..and that scares me.. it scares me that i have no control..that i will never be the same person i was in 6th grade.. i guess thats why your sposed to live in the moment..cuz if you dont you lose your chance..if i could change ne thing id have asked matt out when we were closest at state in october..but i cant..and because i cant go back i dont want to move forward i want to stay and i want everything and everyone else to stay too.. the only problem is im trying to slow time down and katy is trying to speed it up though we are both going the same way.. while corrine and me are moving in opposite directions..and she doesnt even realize this..somehow our long conversations when we see eachother in the halls have turned to short conversations that make me cringe when we see eachother in public..screw the halls..we say hi and bye but nothing of importance in between just thoughtless chatter..just hi how r u..fine..thats good..well bye.. sometimes i think maria andahazy and i are closer..BLECH!..also im starting to notice a pattern in the way my mind and actions work..i wont do ne thing that is assumed or expected of me..i didnt send ne flowers or candy on valentines day..i didnt ask matt to the dance..i dont jump at the thought of driving..i dont want to go to college. i think if I decided to do something i will actually do it..like if i randomly, spur the moment decide to do something i will not have time to talk myself out of it... nor will it give other people time enough to assume my position and what i may do in it..like state.....well.. it may be a while before you read this.. which is fine..i was just venting enough to sleep..dont worry though...i'll be back..ttyl
g*night ash
TIF