my life is a bowl full of cherries

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

help me...

so this last weekend i was sposed to have a girls night out with katy because we never get to do anything just the two of us so we had everything planned to where we were going to go what time we were leaving how much we would spend and then 15 mins before she was sposed to pick me up she called me and told me that randi had to come over because she wasnt going to her dads which meant that katy couldnt drive us which also meant we had to wait until her mom got home which wasnt til 6:15 and we sposed to be at a play at 7 but we still had to buy tickets and drive twenty minutes to get there.. and then randi ws upset about an event that happened that i was allowed to know about and then randi felt bad because she knew this was sposed to be just me and katy.. well then we came home afterwards on saturday i worked 1-6 and then i wentto the movies with my dad and sister.. on the way out of the theater i noticed some people from school i wasnt fond of and i tried to look busy so they wouldnt notice me a much but instead my best firned corrien whom of which i hadnt talked to about ne thing that happened to me since 6th grade because she always acted like she knew she was better than me and whenshe called my name as i tried to walk out the door i felt a pang of regret.. that i hadnt told her everything, that id gone to the movies, that i hadnt told her what was going onwith me and i just stood there making fake but polite chitchat and i walked away..when we got home at 12 i started reading a book i had just bought and i was so unable to put it down i stayed up until 4 then woke up at 10 to finish it at 12 then after church at five i came home ate then at 9 i started on a different book and stayed up until 2am this morning to finsih it then i took a shower after my shower i had decided to put my necklace back on and it broke..shattered in my fingers, the beads flying everywhere as if to forshadow what i was about to face on this path in a few short days weeks or even months..i tried to put the necklace back together but it wouldnt work..the string had been too small..i went to bed at 2:30 this morning and i woke up at 6 leaving me about 4 hours of sleep... all day at school i went from happy to really outa it to happy to really really outa it then i came home from school to get ready for the concert and while i was plotting my hair i got a call from katy's mom telling me that they were at the hospital and katy was having trouble with her chest and they found her lung had collapsed three days ago.. she was going to miss the concert and have to have surgery..while at the concert i was thinking about everything at once and seth started his solo ensemble song and it just seemed to sum up everyhing i was going through..right before seth had finished his song i strted tearing up and then it was our turn to go on stage.. i was uptight the whole time unable to relax even though singing helps me relax it wasnt working.. i was thinking about how with all of katy's medical problems she could be gone before i know it and i started crying in the middle of the guys' song while onstage.. i started thinking about how seth's song could serenade my i could just as easily have been watching my life from if it wasnt me at all..and in a way it wasnt..i cant keep my eyes dry as i wait for information on katy and i cant keep my heart open for anyone, exposing how i feel.. raw emotion that could be twisted into something id later hate and regret.. like three words i have yet to say to his face but have said in my mind over and over again..then those three followed by another 6 which at this time seem more crucial as to be certain i dont miss my chance for happiness... i said four hours of emotional, upset, tired, busy, scared, paranoid, and assuring myself always, that he is too good for me and i dont deserve him.. ..not that anyone with bother to read this ne way but this is a way to document my life ..even the things id rather not remember... gtg bye


Blogger * Ashley * said...

oh hun, that sounds like one stressful day. I'm really sorry about Katty.. I hope she is okay though. When and if i don't work we should go out for coffee. You sound like you need it. Ne way, its 4:35am and i just got off work. Nikolai is still at work, pullin an all nighter. Fun... he is gonna call me at 6 to pick him up. But i think i'm gonna get some sleep.. or maybe i'll write in my blog. Lata tiffen

2:37 AM  

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