my life is a bowl full of cherries

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

is it possilbe to emotionally throw up?

i think i need to throw know whe you throw up you release the pressure and whatever it was that made you throw up ot feel discomfort in the first place..well..i seriously hate throwing up..but ever since i got home i've felt like throwing up..if there were ever a night i just wanted to do something or run away or not have to talk to anyone about this or even have to think about it..tonight is the night... you wont think this is a major ordeal the pit of my stomach its my whole world..which it is..sorta.. maybe i should actually tell you what im talking about..ever since monday i felt kinda distant from matt.. i dont look at him unless im talking to him..and i dont think flirting with taylor helps..oops..not like thats purposeful.. i just dont think matt has ever believed that i liked him..but i do think that he liked me.. but as of this week i have been given the impression that he has given up any hope he had in this..and im scared that i will too..ive even more afraid that ive missed my chance to ask him...we see each other all day long but dont talk but two sentences before and/or after band...what i dont want to face is that he has given up any hope he had..and i havent been doing my part by showing him that i actually care.. but then again..this kid is kinda hard toi understand sometimes..trying to decipher what he thinks and feel is really really actually getting sick of talking about him.. every entry lately had some thing about him in it and im kinda getting sick of it.. i went to bed earlier today before i did ne thing else...i didnt try to sleep but thats the only thing i could think of to do...i cant watch a movie cus im trying to avert my mind to different things other than my issuesand all my movies are rather chick flicky or else like war-ish.. then i figured i would listen to my cd's the only music i have that would have worked are my linkin park cd's which are in my case at school... then i decdied i wanted to read but once again... chick flicky-ish ... so i was trying not to but happened to start thinking about this and and tried to hide from it actually...i pulled the blanket over my head and went to bed hoping that when i woke up two hours later i would have no recollection of my thoughts and everything would be normal... that didnt happen but when i woke up i went with you to go move in to ur new apartment.. i didnt bring nhe of this up then because i didnt wanna talk about it.. more like i didnt wanna face that me and matt are more than likely a lost cause and the fact that im wayy to attached to him..i started wondering even after he talked tocaitlin..whom ive figured him to have a crush on since her and sam hammerback started dating.. my problem is.. every time ive liked any guy he has always liked one of my best friends..always.. ben and steven like tina and steph.. and i think matt likes caitlin.. she knows i like him though..but if she does like him she wouldnt tell me.. but i kinda over analize things so im gonna go.. not to sound mean but im kinda glad no one called me..i wouldnt be in the mood to talk...i can type all i want but i dont wanna say it..its almost as if i can trick my mind by not saying it but writing it.. ne who..i will blog a happier blog later.. but for now, im not so its not.. ne ways.. bye ash


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