my life is a bowl full of cherries

Monday, April 18, 2005

whats next?

falling..falling hard
hitting the cement at the bottom
stunned for a second
without any pain
but after a while
it all starts rushing in
the tear stains appear
the bruises still hurt
the identity, for so long you've hid
comes crumbling down
and your true self is
exposed for the world to see
your worst fears and innnermost thoughts..
whats your next move?
starting over again?
holding your mask higher than ever before?
what if you cant get back up?
what if you arent strong enough?
what if your heart was another humpty dumpty
..after the wall?
I fell a while back, really hard..
after being stunned for the last 7yrs I woke up
I now feel the aftershock
its hard for me to get back up
I'm reminded of my pain and
what I went through
I need ur help
I cant move on without knowing
knowing that im not slamming the door
on his fingers or in his face
that there isnt any hope..
I need the closure to move on..
People called him my boyfriend
I shrugged it off..
not realizing till recently..
he took up the space a bf would..
I wouldnt accept anyone til i found him
and now i cant let ne one else in..
this thing i had
went too long..he's blocking the way,
he holds the pieces of my broken heart
i want them back..i know i cant have them,
but i can want all i want..cant I?
i wanted to tell him that he's too late..
show him what he was missing
but all the while being reminded of
what i had been missing..
i pushed people away because of him..
i need those people back and him to go
i wish my memories
would stop haunting me
i wish i never met him..
i wish i wasnt told how easy i have it..
It doesnt seem so easy from my point of veiw..
i wish he had known how i felt
i could have gotten closure sooner
not waiting 7 yrs to end it
wondering what if..
in a sense he was my boyfriend without consent
in reality we had nothing
i wish id never fallen..
i dont feel the same anymore..
im trapped by my own words
and promises that i dont break
whats gonna happen next?
will i have the strength to move on?
once the door is closed, do i have the heart
to never open it again?
i cant give freebies of my heart..
it hurts too much and
i cant afford it after Ben.....
i need you by my side
to help me when im scared
or a shoulder if i cry..

i know this poem was a bit long but it gives you a bit of leeway on why i havent written in a while..lots of thinking..i know, i know doesnt happen often but ya gotta grasp it when it ways..happy birthday ervins mommy..i know she wont be able to see this and ervin porlly wont see this for a while either but..o well..omongst all my thinking lately i realized id rather talk to ashley then my mom..she has been gone for as long time and she has a lot of chances to call us to talk..she used to find know thats how we endend up with soo many empty your car, Ash..if i were to tell my mom the simplist thing she wouldnt understand because hasnt talked to us in months...she never heard what happend yrs ago..she doesnt know ne thing..ive always told ashley...and ashley this may sound a tad weird but ur the closest thing we have to a mom..besides dad...hehe.. i guess thats why i'm worried about you moving out and moving out kinda took a toll on me and i dont think i'll ever get over afraid that if i dont somehow make a special will move out and find no reason to ever come back...and cuz we have really kool ways..i havent done my homework
shame shame..soo ttyl..


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