i actually hadnt planned on writing in my blog this late or at all for that matter but as i was getting into bed i noticed how awesome my stars look in my room!.. and then i remembered putting one or two on each cloud that was hand painted by me two yrs ago.. then i realized that in three yrs my clouds will turn white my room will be empty and my stars will be covered in primer.. because in exactly three yrs and a month i will have moved out of this house. and everything ive done in the last almost 16 yrs will be only memories.. staying up late with ashley before the first day of school in third grade while she told me of how mrs. hansen was a murderer and took kids into the teachers bathroom and slaughtered them with an axe if they were bad.. or randomly calling out "fire" and throwing whatever i could find first from under my bed in her direction. and the time we had tami come in and clean our room and then they had to open every bag just to look for bebe bear who didnt end up in a bag in the first place. or how every day in preschool me and maria would alternate ghoing over to each others houses. when we were here we'd swing on the tire and play barbies (us being the barbies)... i used to wait up at night on the swingset and wait for my mom to pull up just to tell her that i missed her... my fourth grade yr at st bs when me and corrine finally finished a snow fort by ourselves and we brought out dolls and food and froze them til the next day..hehe..how in 6th grade the twin towers were gone within the flick of your fingers and at that time i didnt even know what they were.. every moment were making hystory.. i just cant get passed the fact that evrything i know and love will be changing.. im afraid one day i'll wake up and all i'll know r my memories.. i wont know who i am ne more all i'll know is who i used to be.. just like that was all i knew about ben.. i'm afraid of one day waking up to nothing i recognise... last yr on the way back from a competition.. we had bunches of band pictures taken of the seniors.. i think just about halfway outta the parking lot it hit me that nothing would ever be the same again.. ashley was leaving..i actually ended up crying because i didnt think i was ready.. just like im not ready for tina to go.. who by the way is still in the hospital due to her trying to commit suicide the day before school started... it really caught me offguard.... every one else just seems to think that this is normal and that this situation isnt ne thing special.. but to me its different she scared me and i cant even let her now just how much i love her because she is in lockdown.... katy keeps telling i should live in the moment.. i dont know if i can do that.. everything i know is in the past and as soon as i know more its gone too.. i cant catch up with ne thing right now as soon as i do im behind again..just recently i havent been able to talk to katy about ne thing.. we havent had a real conversation since kitty got a boyfriend...their one yr is on my birthday... sad thing is im more excited than they r..now she has to get off the phone early to talk to him or she cant talk cuz she's with him.. and on top of that she only has so many hours a week we can talk so i guess i'll have to resort to having intellectual conversations by myself til tina is tons better.. ne ways
since ur the only one who reads this..
luv ya ash...
ttyl
TIF
