my life is a bowl full of cherries

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


my week has not been the greatest.. as the one person who reads this will already know.. friday night wqas a bit much to deal with and then realizing that by the time second quarter comes around if britt still doesnt come home to stay i will be the only one of us left.. and that scares me.. i understand why ashley is leaving..i just wish she wasnt..and then gabby will be staying at moms throughout the week ansd it makes me wonder what is so wrong with this place?.. why am i the only one that isnt effected and doesnt wanna get up and go.. or is it that i do see it.. but my fear of change kicks in and tells me everything is ok.... its scary thinking that in two yrs i'll be in college i'll be an adult.. i'll be able to make my life choices... when just last thursday i was thinking that this would be the year my famiuly would be a real family.. we could eat together.. we could hang out like a family does.. we could do family things.. and then friday happened.. i learned my hopes would never be reality...once again... i guess i'll have to get used to being in my own school.. the only one home at nights when dad and anne r busy and kaity and chrissy r gone.. too much alone time and i will go insane.. i still have yet to figure out how to minimize the number of headaches per day now im up to three a day.. every day.. that isnt good.. my headaches r bad becuase they dont respond to medicine very quickly it takes a few hours before it starts to ease up even the slightest bit.. but ya.. going off of ash's thought from her blog.. it is scary knowing that brittany is whith a 23 yr old and he does her and all that other shit.. i also dont like not knowing what is going to be happening with my dad and brittany.. ne gonna go before i get another headache jst thinking about brittany..
always and forever

Thursday, August 04, 2005


i went to camp last week.. it was awesome.. it made going to church a drag once i got home though.. usually at camp we had very upbeat music and everyone is cheering for god and everyone was excited for it.. and then i get home and the feeling that oeverwhelemed me most was "blah" there was no feeling.. brittany didnt wanna go to church im not to sure if my dad just goes and brings us along to be able to say that he went to church.. that he did his part.. but that seems to be the mind set of alomost everyone these days.. at camp it wasnt every man for himself.. it was how ca i help you and lets go praise god.. one thing that caught me the most when i was at camp was when one of the speakers told us what being a fake christian was and that was what i had been doing all my life.. we would go to church and then when we got home we would swear and everything was back to normal again.. but up until camp i didnt see a problem with that.... i found out my sister smokes..stupid her.. her getting addicted if she hasnt already will be her punishment.. she had been warned about all the problems you could get by smoking but she did it ne ways... not my problem.. if it were ashley and she started i would beat her.. but i dont think ashley would.. she's smarter than that.. im not too sure about gabby though.. she has a lot of friends that smoke and i can picture her soking and i can picture her not smoking..i guess we will wait and see..last night i spent the night at my moms.. she wants me to paint an abstract picture like one she found on the internet.. i did and i luv it and she luvs it.. last night as i was staying up to finish it (just the drawing part to see what she wanted exactly) i wandered if it was possible to major in art.. and then i realized that i could be good enough to actually sell..that would rock!.. and then i started thinking as to why i didnt want to become one.. lemme back track for you.. ever since elementary school my friends have told me that i should become and artist one day.. i just went a long with it.. i never really though i was good til last night.. and i hate to be predictable but thats what i wanna do.. i wanna be good enough and sell paintings to people outside of my family.. this could just be inexperience artist speaking and i couldnt really do it but right now i have a very very strong feeling telling me i could and i will.. its kool..kinda like a feeling i had when i was at camp just the presence of everyone and klnowing that god was there its kool.. ne ways..