my life is a bowl full of cherries

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Sinking ship

To the sinking captain:

I don't know what happened to us. I never did anything to hurt you. You lied from the beginning. I allowed myself to change with you. I became everything I never wanted to be. It became a sinkhole. No matter how hard I tried I just got pulled further down. I lost myself. Forgot who I was. Disregarded the red flags and alarms in my head because I thought we were in it together. Something about the way you commanded of me, the things I was unwilling to give, the face you made when I said no, the guilt trips you threw me; I can't believe you blame me. You said all the right things. It was always a give and take relationship. I gave, you took. That as totally unhealthy. I never lied to you. You put me through so much. When we were together you demanded i tell you I didn't think you were right for me. You knew it was going to end. You egged it on, but you still place the failure on my shoulders. You'd say one thing and then the next day say the opposite. You seem as unsure as I was. You don't and never have respected me. You made fun of me, my choices, and my beliefs. I never once thought you weren't good enough for me, just not "right" for me. After the past three months I can see you are no good for me. You made me feel worthless, caused me to cry on a daily basis. You have no hope for the future. I stayed friends with you because I care a lot about you. I wanted to make sure you were doing okay. But you changed. You no longer care about anything but your drugs and alcohol. Its really too bad. You could have done a lot with your life. Instead you threw it away. You knew how to make a girl feel like you actually cared- most days. You were just dragging me down with your sinking ship. I'm tired of being drug downwards when I have so many people trying to hold me up.

I know you've been a floundering fish for a while but I can't save you. You scare me, hurt me, and insult me continuously. It's time for me to stand up for myself. It's not fair to me yo stick around for the sake of someone to doesn't appreciate me.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Dear Sanity

Dear Sanity,

It has been a while. You have stopped visiting over time. I know we’ve been through a lot. I know I kept pushing you away with these absurd thoughts of causing pain to those who’ve hurt me. I pushed reality away too if it makes you feel any better. Doesn’t make me feel any better though. I flirt with the past even though I’m not interested. I know doing so only brings me down. But it’s such a hard habit to break. You left me again a few days ago. What should have been a cute little errand run with my dad somehow turned into me biting my lip, digging my nails into my palms and above all pretending I wasn’t going to cry. I know I disobeyed you by going there. I knew I’d lose you as soon as I followed my dad through the doors. But I also knew that he expected me to follow. He doesn’t understand what it’s like. I’m sorry, but if you would just come back, for a little while; long enough to re-establish my life, figure out who I am. You can leave me afterwards. I just miss you is all. Speaking of, it was very unfair and semi rude of you to leave me when I was in eau Claire Sunday. I know I was passing Menards. I felt it too. That stabbing pain deep within that sent chills through my body. I wouldn’t have if only you’d have stayed and kept me company instead of running away. I remember what happened too. But I would appreciate it if next time you would stick by me so I’m not greeted with such harsh regrets. Also, next time you decide to leave me for an entire day when I really need to be in class please give me a 3-hour warning. Sitting on the futon staring blankly at the white wall for six hrs with the inability to stop the crying when I should have been in class is very uncalled for. You freaked my roommates out, by the way. You know Franny doesn’t know how to deal with tears. Please come back. I will be nice this time. I wont cast you away when I command attacks on my friend, conscience. I will need you to visit this next semester at least, a visit adjacent to the visit of my mother. If you can’t make it back before then the least you could do is be back by march, but be prepared to stay a while- or at least as long as mother does. I should have visited you at the park tonight, I tried to wait for you by sitting in my car before walking in. I guess you really wanted me to go to the park. Next time, I promise. But I will have to bring Michael with. It seems he’s the only one you will allow me to visit in your presence- which is ironic because he was the reason you left me last year. Regardless, please come back. I need you.

Thank you for understanding and for your time. I hope you will consider my request.