my life is a bowl full of cherries

Monday, January 15, 2007

where did i go?

where am i?.. who am i?.. whoever this is..this person i am right now...this isnt me..i dont know where i went but im not this person.. i dont know when i left.. did i leave when my parents remarried?..did i leave when my mom left.. when?.. and where to?.. this person..i dont know where she is anymore.. this sarcastic bitch who has taken over my body and wont let me take control back.. i used to be a straight A student..what happened?.. never in my life have i failed a class until now.. i dont know whats happening to me anymore. i failed myself, and i fail my family and my friends when i cant show them how i feel.. who made this numbness set in?. who took away my feelings.. all i have left are tears and sarcasm.. yay me.. i dont know how to stop it.. the pain that never goes away.. the constant nagging.. the sarcasm..i cant do it anymore..i dont know how to tell you how much you mean to me.. even if i did you wouldnt believe me would you?.. im sick of going down this same road everyday.. i need help.. but i dont want it..i dont want help because i never used to need it... i want things to go back to how they were before i left.. before i lost my mind.. before..i lost all motivation for everything.. half of me doesnt care at all..doesnt care that my friends overcompensate how mean i actually all assume that i want to hurt all of you..but honestly..i would never go out of my way to hurt you.. without my be without life .. that half doesnt care that i cant tell the only guy ive liked since freshmen yr that i like him..while i watch him constantly flirt with everyother girl under the sun and i cant do anything about it because the only thing that comes outta my mouth is that no one likes him... i torture myself everyday by watching him... i dont know why i put myself through the agony.. my life feels as if it is just slipping through my fingers and i cant do anything to stop it..and the the half that i mentioned doesnt want to..its wants to let give up.. but then the other half wants to keep fighting.. its the reason i talk to that guy at all.. the reason im still here.. and even though i feel useless, it cares when i fail classes and when i cant tell people how i really feel.. i dont know who i am anymore..i know who i was..i know who i want to be.. my fire is almost afraid of what i might do..every move i make seems unforgiving and uncertain.. like im guessing at life..but the choices i make, make it impossible to go closing doors on my dreams..i have no preference for college anymore..i dont think with my grades..that i could even have a preference.. i dont know.. no one is prolly reading this anyway.. so.. im just gonna get off now..good bye... single soul... and goodbye kirsten...wherever you are..