my life is a bowl full of cherries

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

is it possilbe to emotionally throw up?

i think i need to throw know whe you throw up you release the pressure and whatever it was that made you throw up ot feel discomfort in the first place..well..i seriously hate throwing up..but ever since i got home i've felt like throwing up..if there were ever a night i just wanted to do something or run away or not have to talk to anyone about this or even have to think about it..tonight is the night... you wont think this is a major ordeal the pit of my stomach its my whole world..which it is..sorta.. maybe i should actually tell you what im talking about..ever since monday i felt kinda distant from matt.. i dont look at him unless im talking to him..and i dont think flirting with taylor helps..oops..not like thats purposeful.. i just dont think matt has ever believed that i liked him..but i do think that he liked me.. but as of this week i have been given the impression that he has given up any hope he had in this..and im scared that i will too..ive even more afraid that ive missed my chance to ask him...we see each other all day long but dont talk but two sentences before and/or after band...what i dont want to face is that he has given up any hope he had..and i havent been doing my part by showing him that i actually care.. but then again..this kid is kinda hard toi understand sometimes..trying to decipher what he thinks and feel is really really actually getting sick of talking about him.. every entry lately had some thing about him in it and im kinda getting sick of it.. i went to bed earlier today before i did ne thing else...i didnt try to sleep but thats the only thing i could think of to do...i cant watch a movie cus im trying to avert my mind to different things other than my issuesand all my movies are rather chick flicky or else like war-ish.. then i figured i would listen to my cd's the only music i have that would have worked are my linkin park cd's which are in my case at school... then i decdied i wanted to read but once again... chick flicky-ish ... so i was trying not to but happened to start thinking about this and and tried to hide from it actually...i pulled the blanket over my head and went to bed hoping that when i woke up two hours later i would have no recollection of my thoughts and everything would be normal... that didnt happen but when i woke up i went with you to go move in to ur new apartment.. i didnt bring nhe of this up then because i didnt wanna talk about it.. more like i didnt wanna face that me and matt are more than likely a lost cause and the fact that im wayy to attached to him..i started wondering even after he talked tocaitlin..whom ive figured him to have a crush on since her and sam hammerback started dating.. my problem is.. every time ive liked any guy he has always liked one of my best friends..always.. ben and steven like tina and steph.. and i think matt likes caitlin.. she knows i like him though..but if she does like him she wouldnt tell me.. but i kinda over analize things so im gonna go.. not to sound mean but im kinda glad no one called me..i wouldnt be in the mood to talk...i can type all i want but i dont wanna say it..its almost as if i can trick my mind by not saying it but writing it.. ne who..i will blog a happier blog later.. but for now, im not so its not.. ne ways.. bye ash

Saturday, March 11, 2006


well its about 1 AM and i cant sleep.. yesterday mom tried to talk me into driving to seatle with her over the week before easter.. i dont like driving...its not that its uncomfortable..i just dont like it...driving is a responsibilty that your sposed to acquire with age and i may sound a tad bit like peter pan when i say this but i dont want to grow up.. i like following in your footsteps and i dont like change.. kitty is all excited about going to college and leaving everything she knows and i think she expects me to be the same but i cant be.. i cant even spend time with mom because i feel disconnected from my friends just being in woodbury.. it could be just that i dont get to spend a lot of time with katy or maybe its were really close and we tell eachother everything, but its a lot like how it used to be between you and me.. except not.. i used to wait up at night after you had been somewhere all day just to hear what had happened.. what you did, how things made you feel.. what you didnt like..and then we got older and a little more distant and i dont think you truly realized how much i enjoyed hearing about your day or how so and so pissed you off..dont get me wrong..its not like we dont talk and i think your a terrible person or ne thing.. its just..i dont like change and you moving out was a big one..i know it was something you had to do and had nothing to do with me in the least and i also knew you would be just as great on your own as you were here..or even better and you are.. but some times like at 1 in the morning after a very long week i miss those talks we had..and if i have to start driving more, im gonna have to start facing the fact that everything is changing and i cant do ne thing to stop it..and that scares me.. it scares me that i have no control..that i will never be the same person i was in 6th grade.. i guess thats why your sposed to live in the moment..cuz if you dont you lose your chance..if i could change ne thing id have asked matt out when we were closest at state in october..but i cant..and because i cant go back i dont want to move forward i want to stay and i want everything and everyone else to stay too.. the only problem is im trying to slow time down and katy is trying to speed it up though we are both going the same way.. while corrine and me are moving in opposite directions..and she doesnt even realize this..somehow our long conversations when we see eachother in the halls have turned to short conversations that make me cringe when we see eachother in public..screw the halls..we say hi and bye but nothing of importance in between just thoughtless chatter..just hi how r u..fine..thats good..well bye.. sometimes i think maria andahazy and i are closer..BLECH!..also im starting to notice a pattern in the way my mind and actions work..i wont do ne thing that is assumed or expected of me..i didnt send ne flowers or candy on valentines day..i didnt ask matt to the dance..i dont jump at the thought of driving..i dont want to go to college. i think if I decided to do something i will actually do if i randomly, spur the moment decide to do something i will not have time to talk myself out of it... nor will it give other people time enough to assume my position and what i may do in state.....well.. it may be a while before you read this.. which is fine..i was just venting enough to sleep..dont worry though...i'll be back..ttyl
g*night ash

Thursday, March 09, 2006

getting better...

i talked to kitty today!!.. yay that was exciting..she is out of the hospital but still has to stay home.. she went shopping today though and has to wear swim suit tops so her chest can heal without irritation..not to mention how painful that would be for her..poor yah well i should get back to life now..i have two test and a big project due tomorrow morning all in first block and guess how far i am...umm still planning it out, i havent even looked twice at my vocab.. ne ways.. gotta go now..i'll probably post again tomorrow when im not trying to finsh too many things at once..hehe..ttyl bye

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


last night i went to bed at around 12 and i woke up this morning remembering a dream i had had---.. i was sitting on my bus on the way home a few seats behind matt who was sitting with his sister..which wouldnt happen.. and i randomly threw a note at him that asked him if he would go out with me.. he opened it up and read it, then turned around to face me even though i hadnt signed my name and he leant his head back farther than would be capable in the seats and shook his head no..---(end of dream) then today at school.. he seemed upset about something and then he blew me off when i asked him to sign kitty's card.. i had just had a conversation with him before band and he was fine and we were joking around and everything but in choir he seemed really upset and he talked the whole time to derrick.. then i went to the hospital with tristan to see kitty. she kept saying she was ok but we had to cut her off and tell her that everytime she told us she would be ok, it always ended with a trip to the hospital whether for surgery or blood transfusions..gotta luv katy.. shes soo cute..but she scares ways.. the band concert tonight is starting to get to me along with getting blown off..which makes me wonder if there was something that was actually wrong with him or maybe just that he had to be somewhere quickly.. which is why he couldnt stay and sign it..i dunno..i guess i'll find out when/if we talk tonight at the ways.. i gotta figure things i think im gonna go..not that ne one is reading this but w/e... bye

help me...

so this last weekend i was sposed to have a girls night out with katy because we never get to do anything just the two of us so we had everything planned to where we were going to go what time we were leaving how much we would spend and then 15 mins before she was sposed to pick me up she called me and told me that randi had to come over because she wasnt going to her dads which meant that katy couldnt drive us which also meant we had to wait until her mom got home which wasnt til 6:15 and we sposed to be at a play at 7 but we still had to buy tickets and drive twenty minutes to get there.. and then randi ws upset about an event that happened that i was allowed to know about and then randi felt bad because she knew this was sposed to be just me and katy.. well then we came home afterwards on saturday i worked 1-6 and then i wentto the movies with my dad and sister.. on the way out of the theater i noticed some people from school i wasnt fond of and i tried to look busy so they wouldnt notice me a much but instead my best firned corrien whom of which i hadnt talked to about ne thing that happened to me since 6th grade because she always acted like she knew she was better than me and whenshe called my name as i tried to walk out the door i felt a pang of regret.. that i hadnt told her everything, that id gone to the movies, that i hadnt told her what was going onwith me and i just stood there making fake but polite chitchat and i walked away..when we got home at 12 i started reading a book i had just bought and i was so unable to put it down i stayed up until 4 then woke up at 10 to finish it at 12 then after church at five i came home ate then at 9 i started on a different book and stayed up until 2am this morning to finsih it then i took a shower after my shower i had decided to put my necklace back on and it broke..shattered in my fingers, the beads flying everywhere as if to forshadow what i was about to face on this path in a few short days weeks or even months..i tried to put the necklace back together but it wouldnt work..the string had been too small..i went to bed at 2:30 this morning and i woke up at 6 leaving me about 4 hours of sleep... all day at school i went from happy to really outa it to happy to really really outa it then i came home from school to get ready for the concert and while i was plotting my hair i got a call from katy's mom telling me that they were at the hospital and katy was having trouble with her chest and they found her lung had collapsed three days ago.. she was going to miss the concert and have to have surgery..while at the concert i was thinking about everything at once and seth started his solo ensemble song and it just seemed to sum up everyhing i was going through..right before seth had finished his song i strted tearing up and then it was our turn to go on stage.. i was uptight the whole time unable to relax even though singing helps me relax it wasnt working.. i was thinking about how with all of katy's medical problems she could be gone before i know it and i started crying in the middle of the guys' song while onstage.. i started thinking about how seth's song could serenade my i could just as easily have been watching my life from if it wasnt me at all..and in a way it wasnt..i cant keep my eyes dry as i wait for information on katy and i cant keep my heart open for anyone, exposing how i feel.. raw emotion that could be twisted into something id later hate and regret.. like three words i have yet to say to his face but have said in my mind over and over again..then those three followed by another 6 which at this time seem more crucial as to be certain i dont miss my chance for happiness... i said four hours of emotional, upset, tired, busy, scared, paranoid, and assuring myself always, that he is too good for me and i dont deserve him.. ..not that anyone with bother to read this ne way but this is a way to document my life ..even the things id rather not remember... gtg bye

Thursday, March 02, 2006

is it odd...

is it odd that i find any moment i can to talk to him? but when it comes to saying whats on my mind, my voice leaves me until he does. or even that just watching him do sumpthing i hate like playing fetch with his neighbor's dog, makes me want to jump off the bus and play too.... its not like i didnt have ne chances to ask him... just not enough guts... something not so far in the back of my mind keeps telling me that im not good enough... that i'll never be good enough... im not excedingly pretty or smart, i dont get great grades and im only good at two subjects while he is good at everything else.. he loves everything i hate and i love what he hates.. he flies high in both academics and in sports..he is even great at favorite sport...whether he is in it or not..hes smart and funny, cute, he can sing, me singing *anything i can do he can do better, i cant do ne thing better than him...* im not sure i can even touch that..the only subjects im good at and he isnt is english and art... we both easily made it into chamber choir but the difference is that he also made it into wind ensamble so he can actually be in that choir. he on the other hand is good at social studies, science,math, and gym of ne kind...sept maybe thats just kinda funny to but is it werid to think one day that i could instantly not like him and then the next day think i cant live without him... on the bus today i had the vision of "the other me" where the kid's clone didnt think about what other people thought, he did only what he wanted to do.... i though "if i was the clone i woudl have told rich to stop the bus and id have hung out with Him for a while....