my life is a bowl full of cherries

Wednesday, April 27, 2005


seriously what do u say when your mother doesnt know you anymore?..what can you say as the icebreaker?.. i gotta figure this oput perty soon cuz i just was told that she has an interview in minnesota tomorrow..once again my news came directly from brittany.. but what can i say that she would understand?..forget everything that has happened to me the last 7 yrs and be cheery just as she expects all of us (except ashley) to be when we see her..?....kill the conversation befoire it statrs with how r u?..good u?..good..whats new?..nuthin you?..well....blah blah blah..she goes on forever about stuff thet i dont care about..but is that all our conversations should be..?..
lemme know..i dont have ne thing to say to her that not everyone already knows... but w/ literally speechless..should i be happy after not seeing her in a long time or mad because i havent seen her in so long and it was her choice or mad because she never called me to talk or happy because i didnt have ne thing to say ne gonna go..
always and forever
.. please comment..ive got no idea
im gonna go have a good time at the boo screw her..

Sunday, April 24, 2005

what would you say after not talking for 4 months?

mom called today...even if i had wanted to talk i wouldnt have had a chance..but then i wonder..what would i have to say to her ne way?..she doesnt know me ne more..Ive changed so much since she left...gotten stronger, against not mommy's little girl anymore..she wasnt told about the sixth grade dance, ben, highschool, my grades, my classes, my friends, or even me.. therefore i couldnt have said a word to her..nothing about how ive been..yet she finds it soo easy to start a conversation about how SHE is and what SHE wants and what not about HER..and then she has to go..(past conversations) ....she had all the time in thw world to call within the last four months, tons of time to ask about me..but she didnt..but not the one missing out...ive got the best friends i could ever have..and their moms who treat me as one of their own..or better..and the best oldest sister i could ask for sept..when one of us is pissed, it rubs off today....i have a great dad, and im ok..unlike her my kids arent willingly pushing me away..(figuratively speaking)..they dont choose not to talk to me...
I promised myself that when i grow up and start a family i will never abandon my children..i will marry only when im truly in love and wont break my wedding vows..
i my children grow from birth to death..helping then each and every step of the way....this is my of the many i wont break..
notice im am very much NOT like mom this is my plan..

ne ways..once again i havent finished my homework..soo...ive got to go..
always and forever

Friday, April 22, 2005

interresting day..

i was really happy til gym becuase it was gym..hehe...but then that ended and i had choir..which pissed me off cuz my shins really hurt from gym and she kept making us sit then stand then sit then stand and the jones yelled at me for leaning cuz my fingers were on the bar behind me...fingers when ya lean on sumpthin ya usually wont lean on your fingers...then lunch..usually a good part of my was until vicky brought up how bad it was that we had soo many gay people in our school..i sat back preparing how i was gonna strangle vicky without getting in trouble while more ppl chimed in..i asked why it was such a big deal and the reason i gpt from vicky was...well...becuase.....they are taking away guys that we may like....and i commented on how even if they were straight they wouldnt like her so she didnt have to worry either way and i left the table....i hate stupid ppl...a lot! ne ways..then at band 1 of my friends found the necklace i yesterday after band and i when i said it was mine and asked for it back he chucked it across the band room...jerk!...the rest of my day was awesome...right now im preparing to stay up til 12 to talk to my best friend who is hanging out with her boyfriend until to ya guys tomorrow..bye

sry i didnt have ne better to do but rant and rave about my day..
maybe sumpthing will happen tomorrow that i can talk about that is really promises..

ttyl bye

Monday, April 18, 2005

whats next?

falling..falling hard
hitting the cement at the bottom
stunned for a second
without any pain
but after a while
it all starts rushing in
the tear stains appear
the bruises still hurt
the identity, for so long you've hid
comes crumbling down
and your true self is
exposed for the world to see
your worst fears and innnermost thoughts..
whats your next move?
starting over again?
holding your mask higher than ever before?
what if you cant get back up?
what if you arent strong enough?
what if your heart was another humpty dumpty
..after the wall?
I fell a while back, really hard..
after being stunned for the last 7yrs I woke up
I now feel the aftershock
its hard for me to get back up
I'm reminded of my pain and
what I went through
I need ur help
I cant move on without knowing
knowing that im not slamming the door
on his fingers or in his face
that there isnt any hope..
I need the closure to move on..
People called him my boyfriend
I shrugged it off..
not realizing till recently..
he took up the space a bf would..
I wouldnt accept anyone til i found him
and now i cant let ne one else in..
this thing i had
went too long..he's blocking the way,
he holds the pieces of my broken heart
i want them back..i know i cant have them,
but i can want all i want..cant I?
i wanted to tell him that he's too late..
show him what he was missing
but all the while being reminded of
what i had been missing..
i pushed people away because of him..
i need those people back and him to go
i wish my memories
would stop haunting me
i wish i never met him..
i wish i wasnt told how easy i have it..
It doesnt seem so easy from my point of veiw..
i wish he had known how i felt
i could have gotten closure sooner
not waiting 7 yrs to end it
wondering what if..
in a sense he was my boyfriend without consent
in reality we had nothing
i wish id never fallen..
i dont feel the same anymore..
im trapped by my own words
and promises that i dont break
whats gonna happen next?
will i have the strength to move on?
once the door is closed, do i have the heart
to never open it again?
i cant give freebies of my heart..
it hurts too much and
i cant afford it after Ben.....
i need you by my side
to help me when im scared
or a shoulder if i cry..

i know this poem was a bit long but it gives you a bit of leeway on why i havent written in a while..lots of thinking..i know, i know doesnt happen often but ya gotta grasp it when it ways..happy birthday ervins mommy..i know she wont be able to see this and ervin porlly wont see this for a while either but..o well..omongst all my thinking lately i realized id rather talk to ashley then my mom..she has been gone for as long time and she has a lot of chances to call us to talk..she used to find know thats how we endend up with soo many empty your car, Ash..if i were to tell my mom the simplist thing she wouldnt understand because hasnt talked to us in months...she never heard what happend yrs ago..she doesnt know ne thing..ive always told ashley...and ashley this may sound a tad weird but ur the closest thing we have to a mom..besides dad...hehe.. i guess thats why i'm worried about you moving out and moving out kinda took a toll on me and i dont think i'll ever get over afraid that if i dont somehow make a special will move out and find no reason to ever come back...and cuz we have really kool ways..i havent done my homework
shame shame..soo ttyl..

Saturday, April 09, 2005


i hurt!..i dont like you havent run in a yr and suddenl;y start running for about 70 mins a day sept for tues and thurs when we weight lift which is my fav..i dont like running..never kinda excited for going to a brodway play the lion king..even though its a family event...(throws up) i dont have to go to church..(stops throwing up food and throws up arms in celebration) im going to my cousins german foreign exchange students birthday party..that should be had an interresting was a really good one..i went to see ms congeniaity was a good movie..the firts one is always better though...i mean it was a really good movie i was just dissapointed that agent mathews wasnt in it...i wont tell you why though..i dont give away movies or books..and then me and brittany went to wendys cuz she wanted a frosty and even though the only money she had was dads she got one that was more expensive then what she would have gotten if she were [aying with her own money then i decided that i had money so i was gonna get one too..but then somehow i enede up paying to feed her face i didnt have enough to go to the play again tonight...i was a bit pissed about that...grrr..stupid brittany should....umm....ummm...not to think of what i was gonna ne way..ya y'all have a would have been tomorrow..but i looked at a
always and forever

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

total rundown of my terrible day,,,Grrrr.... it sucked!!

today started as a really great day..then i went to gym we had to run two laps and to everyone but me it isnt very much. I am very outta shap and have asthma so...after the two laps i weezed and coughed the rest of the day..GRR..then at choir we had to sit then stand then sit then stand then sit then stand as if jones had trouble making up her mind..then after choir it was lunch.. i attempted to sit at my usual table (the one i wrote about yesterday)but i was told that steven would get pissed if i sat at the table (even though steven told me the nigt b4 that he didnt mind if i sat there) so i went and sat at the other table of mostly friends plus seth and vicky both of which im really sick this time im VERY pissed in general so i sit down and i couldnt find ne chairs so i was kneeling on the ground til i found a chair theni got up and left cuz i was really pissed and i warned everyone..i said im really pissed right now..if you want to stay intact dont you dare fuck with me..and vicky was the first and if i hadnt been so tired still from gym and running ALL block it would have been a fricken WWF smackdown right there on the table...i got up and walked off to my locker with kitty and when i got there and i was trying to explain to kitty why i was so pissy vicky showed up at MY locker and just randomly starts talking..i said sumpthing under my breath about how much i hated her and how it was my locker and that she should leave..then randi came over and asked me if i was ok and by that time i had had it and i ended up yelling at her and walking talk to another table of friends that also has ppl im not fond of and i was talking to gaby and she told me that i shoukd sit at their table..this is the 2nd time i was invited to sit at their table which is a good sign specially since it was by two different ppl..i tried sitting there yesterday though but i was told no by sum other kid that they had too many already which is why they had two tables....then it was band....i didnt talk to brended in band at all sept to yell at him to stop playing...even though he didnt tell me i couldnt sit there he didnt help the matter either...then there was poor matt that got stuck in the middle for not doing ne thintg at fact i think he missed the whole episode at the lunch table and didnt have ne thing to do with it at all..of course i didnt really think about this factor till about a half an hour ago and i felt really bad..on the way back up from band i found randi and i apologized for yelling at her and then i went to class which was pretty good and then i came home slacked off til 6:50 when i left for ccd and i was the only girl outta seven..which actually made me happy..all my friends say boys r stupid but i think select boys r stupid and a few select girls r equally stupid cuz i feel more comfortable around guys then if i were listeneing in on a conversation with girls....weird i ways like i said i slacked off..meanung i didnt do my homework....meaning...
good bye
always and forever

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

my place in this world

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems

Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me

Hear me asking
Where do I belong?
Is there a vision
That I can call my own?

Show me, I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Lookin' for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Lookin' for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world

i luv this song..sept its sad cuz thats how ive felt for the last few at lunch,i sit with a bunch of guys and i was told last thursday that i didnt count as anyone at their table so i left mad and then i came back and sat with them today and another guy asked why i sat there if i had so many friends at other tables...i dont want to tell them cuz it would pretty much let everyone in on sumpthing ive only told kitty and they would sumhow find a reason or way to hold it against me....ur prolly thinking "if they r so bad why do u sit there"...i sit there because if i dont i feel like im missing sumpthing...they have very stupid conversations but they make me laugh....when we were on the cruise i sat a table during the chocolate lovers bars with a bunch of guys and a few girls and unlike the girls i thought their conversation was interresting and i followed it and it made me miss the lunch table i always sat at.. sad, i know..and it brings back certain memories that i need to be reminded of...especially the ones with ben..i guess i could also say that a reason ive felt kinda like i didnt belong is its the beginning of new classes..and last night more than any other time i felt really like i didnt belong was when i was with corrine tessa and sam..we were in the car on the way to a religous grouo training thing and we istened to christian music the whole way there..GRRR..not to mention i didnt know the songs now hear of the performers..thats was fun...NOT... ne life is perty boring..i prolly would have told kitty some of this except we just had our longest conversation in a few weeks..3 min...not to mention we r best ways...ttyl be hesitant to comment..hint hint...

always and forever