Marching On

I've been bruised,
Broken, and trampled on,
I've fallen down
Thinking I'd never get up
I've run away
From who I am
lost myself
Wherever I could
But I never gave up.
I've prevailed through it all

I have scars,
Nightmares of memories,
But the most amazing friends
Anyone could ask for
And they helped me stand
When I'd lost all hope.
I'm living how I want
Doing what I will
Nothing else matters

I'm standing up
Brushing off my knees
Showing the world
That I am resilient
No one will fight my war
Except for me
I've made it this far
There is nothing
Stopping me now
My ducks are in a row
And we are steadily marching on.

Sinking ship

To the sinking captain:

I don't know what happened to us. I never did anything to hurt you. You lied from the beginning. I allowed myself to change with you. I became everything I never wanted to be. It became a sinkhole. No matter how hard I tried I just got pulled further down. I lost myself. Forgot who I was. Disregarded the red flags and alarms in my head because I thought we were in it together. Something about the way you commanded of me, the things I was unwilling to give, the face you made when I said no, the guilt trips you threw me; I can't believe you blame me. You said all the right things. It was always a give and take relationship. I gave, you took. That as totally unhealthy. I never lied to you. You put me through so much. When we were together you demanded i tell you I didn't think you were right for me. You knew it was going to end. You egged it on, but you still place the failure on my shoulders. You'd say one thing and then the next day say the opposite. You seem as unsure as I was. You don't and never have respected me. You made fun of me, my choices, and my beliefs. I never once thought you weren't good enough for me, just not "right" for me. After the past three months I can see you are no good for me. You made me feel worthless, caused me to cry on a daily basis. You have no hope for the future. I stayed friends with you because I care a lot about you. I wanted to make sure you were doing okay. But you changed. You no longer care about anything but your drugs and alcohol. Its really too bad. You could have done a lot with your life. Instead you threw it away. You knew how to make a girl feel like you actually cared- most days. You were just dragging me down with your sinking ship. I'm tired of being drug downwards when I have so many people trying to hold me up.

I know you've been a floundering fish for a while but I can't save you. You scare me, hurt me, and insult me continuously. It's time for me to stand up for myself. It's not fair to me yo stick around for the sake of someone to doesn't appreciate me.

Dear Sanity

Dear Sanity,

It has been a while. You have stopped visiting over time. I know we’ve been through a lot. I know I kept pushing you away with these absurd thoughts of causing pain to those who’ve hurt me. I pushed reality away too if it makes you feel any better. Doesn’t make me feel any better though. I flirt with the past even though I’m not interested. I know doing so only brings me down. But it’s such a hard habit to break. You left me again a few days ago. What should have been a cute little errand run with my dad somehow turned into me biting my lip, digging my nails into my palms and above all pretending I wasn’t going to cry. I know I disobeyed you by going there. I knew I’d lose you as soon as I followed my dad through the doors. But I also knew that he expected me to follow. He doesn’t understand what it’s like. I’m sorry, but if you would just come back, for a little while; long enough to re-establish my life, figure out who I am. You can leave me afterwards. I just miss you is all. Speaking of, it was very unfair and semi rude of you to leave me when I was in eau Claire Sunday. I know I was passing Menards. I felt it too. That stabbing pain deep within that sent chills through my body. I wouldn’t have if only you’d have stayed and kept me company instead of running away. I remember what happened too. But I would appreciate it if next time you would stick by me so I’m not greeted with such harsh regrets. Also, next time you decide to leave me for an entire day when I really need to be in class please give me a 3-hour warning. Sitting on the futon staring blankly at the white wall for six hrs with the inability to stop the crying when I should have been in class is very uncalled for. You freaked my roommates out, by the way. You know Franny doesn’t know how to deal with tears. Please come back. I will be nice this time. I wont cast you away when I command attacks on my friend, conscience. I will need you to visit this next semester at least, a visit adjacent to the visit of my mother. If you can’t make it back before then the least you could do is be back by march, but be prepared to stay a while- or at least as long as mother does. I should have visited you at the park tonight, I tried to wait for you by sitting in my car before walking in. I guess you really wanted me to go to the park. Next time, I promise. But I will have to bring Michael with. It seems he’s the only one you will allow me to visit in your presence- which is ironic because he was the reason you left me last year. Regardless, please come back. I need you.

Thank you for understanding and for your time. I hope you will consider my request.

Kirsten

this yr at a glance has been the most challenging and the most benefitial yr of my highschool career. Before this yr i was already planning my life's grand finale. I tried to hide from my home life, and engulfed myself in movies and books so i could continue my oblivious rampage through everything going on at school, in my family, my circle of friends, my classes, and my head. I couldnt escape the past and i was struggling to look forward... i made mistakes this yr that hurt a lot then but made me stronger today... i slacked off the pst couple yrs and for the first time in my life i failed a class... needless to say i've had A's and B's since that incident. aside from failing my class ive been heartbroken, scared, embarrassed, suicidal, depressed,content, worried, and finally my life turned around and i've become, strong, happy, independent, excited, optimistically pessimistic, and couragous. ive raised my GPA,and i found myself. I finally feel like i fit with my friends. My friends' lives are taking off and i get to go along for the ride as they will be with me in mine. most people are expecting a terrible blog that will only make everyone feel bad. well im sorry to disappoint you but a month ago i was prayed over for confirmation and we recieved gifts... i requested peace, within my heart and mind and within my family... either my body coincidently made up the missing chemicals that same week or its an act of god... im hoping for the later it seems more promising than my body does at this point ive ran this rollercaoster for too long... if you woulda talked with me about my life a month and half ago you may have realized how bad off i was... but looking back now... im glad i went through everything i had to go through... im sad about the pain that was caused in the process... and the deaths that had to occur to help me realize how everything i do ripples through the world whether the people know me or not. im thankful for the friends i made this past yr and the past couple yrs.. im happy i met all of you... each of you has changed me in some way... even if ive never said a word to you...( chances are i have..lol..) im glad we hosted airi this yr... its nice to have someone to talk about the things that people dont ask about, things me and ashley used to talk about all the time but that she has become too busy for... these past few months ive made choices, crossed barriers, and planned out my future- im stronger yet weaker.. if i make the mistake and explode i retract my claws to lessen the blows. this past month i have learned how to face my problems with my head held high without attemopting to sleep it off or engulf my entire life in another world... i didnt do that alone.. im typing this for you because i feel a thank you is in store... its amazing to look back and see the physical and the mental changes in myself over the yrs.. and im so glad ive turned out this good.. thank you again. always and forever, kirsten

where did i go?

where am i?.. who am i?.. whoever this is..this person i am right now...this isnt me..i dont know where i went but im not this person.. i dont know when i left.. did i leave when my parents remarried?..did i leave when my mom left.. when?.. and where to?.. this person..i dont know where she is anymore.. this sarcastic bitch who has taken over my body and wont let me take control back.. i used to be a straight A student..what happened?.. never in my life have i failed a class until now.. i dont know whats happening to me anymore. i failed myself, and i fail my family and my friends when i cant show them how i feel.. who made this numbness set in?. who took away my feelings.. all i have left are tears and sarcasm.. yay me.. i dont know how to stop it.. the pain that never goes away.. the constant nagging.. the sarcasm..i cant do it anymore..i dont know how to tell you how much you mean to me.. even if i did you wouldnt believe me would you?.. im sick of going down this same road everyday.. i need help.. but i dont want it..i dont want help because i never used to need it... i want things to go back to how they were before i left.. before i lost my mind.. before..i lost all motivation for everything.. half of me doesnt care at all..doesnt care that my friends overcompensate how mean i actually am..you all assume that i want to hurt all of you..but honestly..i would never go out of my way to hurt you.. without my friends..id be without life .. that half doesnt care that i cant tell the only guy ive liked since freshmen yr that i like him..while i watch him constantly flirt with everyother girl under the sun and i cant do anything about it because the only thing that comes outta my mouth is that no one likes him... i torture myself everyday by watching him... i dont know why i put myself through the agony.. my life feels as if it is just slipping through my fingers and i cant do anything to stop it..and the the half that i mentioned above..well..it doesnt want to..its wants to let go.to give up.. but then the other half wants to keep fighting.. its the reason i talk to that guy at all.. the reason im still here.. and even though i feel useless, it cares when i fail classes and when i cant tell people how i really feel.. i dont know who i am anymore..i know who i was..i know who i want to be.. my fire is almost out..im afraid of what i might do..every move i make seems unforgiving and uncertain.. like im guessing at life..but the choices i make, make it impossible to go back..im closing doors on my dreams..i have no preference for college anymore..i dont think with my grades..that i could even have a preference.. i dont know.. no one is prolly reading this anyway.. so.. im just gonna get off now..good bye... single soul... and goodbye kirsten...wherever you are..

leech much?

well...i had a very interresting day.. i guess randi was talking about me today to everyone who was listening saying that i should back off because kitty was her best friend and not mine..and i guess she was telling kitty that she tried to get it to work between me and her but it wasnt working..and it never will..then i guess she was saying that she thinks that her and tristan will work..but tristan was avoiding her all day with me saying that he would rather be friends with me than have to talk to her..that inda made me feel better but then i went to band and i realized that i wasnt flirting with taylor but he was flirting with me..like today he was playing with my hair..eww!..i hope it doesnt mean ne thing cuz him and matt r friends and if they r ne thing like me then if they both like someone one backs off..i dont know if i want them to be like me then if thats how things are gonna work...:(.. but back to randi..she is pissing me off...i called katy on my way home from school and i told her and i seriously am getting freaked out because she was pretending to be my friend this entire weekend and she was convincing...katy is afraid that randi is only hanging out with her to get to tristan..and wont stop until she leaves katy without anyone and defenseless..so then she can go in and say ya i dont wanna be friends with you anymore...that will not..i repeat WILL NOT happen because kitty wont get rid of me unless she wants to..but that would be sad...im glad that kitty has a tristan though because he seriously has made my day..i dont think id be even semisane if it werent for him..he gave me an alibi for not being at the table in the morning and whether he liked it or not i got a chance to vent..and we did talk about randi but not meanly..just like we want to help her and think she should get help and that it is probably hard for her mom to face..and while we were talking about helping her she was talking about stabbing me in the back and how she is such a better friend than me and how i should just back off...i seriously feel bad because this fighht between me and randi is actually pulling our group apart..and nobody likes that..on our side we have jake,hillary,brenden,caitie N, tristan, ruth, rosie, kitty, me, i think gaby is neutral, and preston is probably on our side, and lizzard i think is trying to stay neutral but bein forced on the other side and an army of randi's friends and unofficially i declare war..i dont wanna do this...but then again..i dont think the situation kitty is put into...having to chose between me and randi i feel bad and she doesnt want to..i will never stoop low enough to call my self better than anyone..i dont nor will i ever call my friends names like dummy or stupid or anythig else that may be degrading..there is seriously a line there that you shoul not even attempt to cross and then dare to call them your friend...i mean are you brain damaged..not to point fingers at anyone because brittany does that too..but seriously you shouldnt do that!...any ways..ttyl ash..bye
TIF

:S

hey..its the first day of our four day vaca... and kitty missed school because she is at the hospital..her lung collapsed again...she is having the operation now but we dont know what hospital she is at..me tristan and randi are keeping eachother posted as to what happens...i'll post more when i know more..bye
TIF