temptation is a bitch!

lately ive been...
tempted to kick steven in the balls or at least where they woul be be if he had ne
tempted to give him a piece of my mind.. he seems fresh outta his
tempted to leave that tabel and never return
tempted to return ..afraid i'll miss something
tempted to sit at another table
tempted to break the promise i made to myself about waiting around..
tempted to dye my hair bown
tempted to leave it black
tempted to get out the black
tempted to streak it
tempted to forget
forced to remember
tempted to hide where no one will find me
tempted to fall out of love
tempted to fall in again
tempted to give up
afraid he never even tried
tempted to cry in agony
tempted to be abolivious to my surroundings
tempted beyond belief
tempted through my every extent
so far you cannot belive

I HATE SPEECH!!!!!

grr..i think i have all my info for my speech. i dont have the list of the criteria i need though... im gonna have to BS on everything..thats waht ya get for procrastinating...stupid procrastinatory (made up word) instincts..lol..today i was very busy..im halfway done with my very now half way messy room...hehe..i havent donw homework thats next on my list of things to do.. i did my cores from last week and the ones for this week..got all my info went to church had *family time lol...read a few ppls blogs that i dont know..i searched for ppl with the same interrest as me such as linkin park (yesterday) and everwood (today) sad..i know..hehehe..o well..
MY friend is home from the hospital!!..im soo happy..she still has to go there for school and everything but..still.. ne ways..ive got nuthin to say and too much to do..nows its time for me to leave you..hehe..
G'night all
Tif

down to the last seconds...

hey y'all..sry if ya read my blog from yesterday before i reedidted it..oops..i was just a bit tired.. ya well the time was wrong on the post..it waws 1 30 ish last night when i wrote it..not 9 30 ish.. ne ways ..ya today i painted the fireplace in the youth room and got first choice on which brick i was going to sign...the flames look awesome!..im very proud of myself.. and we painted the bathroom..hehehe its a very pretty color but it was the very expensive barnd that has to be compeltely dry in order to do small touch ups other wise everything under the fresh paint comes off..Grr..lol..i still dont have my speech written i will get it done!..i will....i think....i hope....oops..that gives me a day and a half to do research, write it, and memorize it..i dont thinbk i can do it ne more..*frowns as looses all hope of passing a fairly easy class*..i worked on my room today as i watched a few of my favorite chick flicks..lol.. *sap ...i fell asleep at my step moms brothers house today lol..oops.. it was a fun day..for the most part..hehehe..
talk to yall tomarra..have a great easter and if ya dont celebrate it well.....you should..lol.. no im jk..have a great day...
G'night guys
always and forever
Tif

Grrr...

i still have an 8-10 min speech to have written by tuesday.. i had all my research done on the affirmation act (before i decided i hated it( the topic)).. i lost my folder so now i have to find all my info again.. remember exactly what i need for my speech...( cuz i lost my notes)....i have my notebook which didnt have ne notes written in it cuz i was drawing in it during focus and i put all my stuff in my lockerafter focus (before speech class without realizing that it was my speech notebook not my math.. i cant find ne statistics (neede), i cant find any speciflic cases of it (also needed).. and my grade will drop from and A to an F.. *frown* not likes it math or ne thing..i shouldnt have trouble with this one..*digs nails into chair in anger!*..GRRRRRRR!!...crap on my procrastinatory instincts..lol..i think i just made that up..lol .. ne ways..today i slept until almost 11..hehe..seems to be happening alot lately.. oops.. then after chruch i painted a fireplace at the youth center and help our youth minister put up her posters and rearrange her youth room.. tomorrow im painting her bathroom walls hehe..we just decided to do that when i was there today..lol.. and im painting the flames in the fireplace..then im spending the rest of my day with my step moms family.i hope you all have a great easter or whatever ya celebrate if ne thing.....we should do this again..some time..lol..how bout tomorrow....jk

bye guys.
always and forever
Tif

it was all a dream...

" i woke up at 10 AM and found myself in my science classroom from last yr talking to my teachers from last yr. i mentioned how i was soo confused because i had to work today at 11 but we had school and my teacher was talking about how a second ago she didnt have to work but then again she was there and so was everyone else. everyone was in school. i walked into the hall trying to remember my schedule. as soon as i entered the hall it was the highschool and my friend met me at my locker to go to choir like we always did. we started walking through the commons when suddenly we were turning the corner in the mall of america. i mentioned about how i thought spring break was not over til monday she said something about how there was a choice between a 6 day or an 8 day break. panic struck me as. 'o my god i missed all my other classes, im truant, my dad wasnt home to call in sick, im going to lose my job for missing work.' i ran to the school/ mall map.." then i woke up looked at the clock, 10 AM. 1 hour to get ready for work at 11..' what a weird dream'.. until now i didnt understand what i might be worrying about that would cause me to have a screwed up dream like that.. i think im worried that i'll wake up after this week and real;ize this whole week i didnt do ne of my homework. that one of these days i will be fired for not showing up at work.and that i havent been in contact much with my past. usually i have to ask kitty what she thinks they mean..but she wouldnt know.. a dream is all your worries or thoughts that you dont really think of that force their way to the top so you are forced to listen to their message then they r gone and all you need to do is follow it or you will have a reocurring dream.. you all prolly think im weird about now but..nothing you didnt already know..these r just my oppinions..im still confused about why it changed from my old school to my current school...to the mall?..thats weird..ne ways ervin and ashley falling asleep during th movie gave me a great idea..lol..
just curious..do guinnea rats sleep?....lol...(guinnea pigs)

ne ways..G'night
luv ya bunches
always and forever
Tif

beautiful day in the neighborhood..lol

today i went to work...and hour early..oops.. came home... watched tv...ate...watched tv...started to clean my room....gave up..lol...and here i am.....i was contemplating whether or not to do homework..procrastination got the best of me....again...hehe not a very interresting day but thats ok..not everything that happens is serious..hey..if ne one has an interresting topic for a persuasive speech..tell me!!..lol..i have an 8-10 min speech i have to do due next tues and i dont even have a topic...oops..

y'all have a great day...lol. that sounds like what i say at McD's..lol...a few days ago i answered the phone.."hi may i help you"..lol...it was funny because i only say that at work..at i said it without even thiking ..it just popped out..lol..

ne ways..
talk to you guys latta
always and forever
spaz

toning down all seriousness...lol

i was told that my were a bit too serious in the past so....
most of you dont know i recently dyed my hair but instead of the dark brown color i wanted i got black..grr!..im not really happy with this color so i bought more dye to dye my hair..when my sister and i were checking out the lady said something about how she knew i had recently dyed my hair and that if i wanted to remove the darker color tide laundry detergent worked...it stripps off just the colr and leave your hair with only your natural color..(more than i can say for the actual color removal kits..lol)(changing subject) today i babysat a 7 1/2 yr old girl that ive babysat since she was born..the last time i watched her was last yr sometime..i forgot how cute she was..lol..little kids..lol..(changing subject) im just recently outta of debt with my dad..ive been in debt since christmas because i didnt have enough money to buy everything so i borrowed money and after just adding everythingup in the last four months i paid my dad over $400 wow! thats like 100 a month..lol..thats awesome..god it feel good to spend money without feeling guilty about not using it to apay a debt..*sigh

ne ways..spent too much time at the store..lol..so now i have to go..so i can wake up for work tomorrow..lol..

G'night everyone
Tif

upside down and backwards..

in 7th grade my best friend and my sister helped me get over my depression..that same friend is now in the hospital bcause of severe depression...i found this out today... this upsets me because the day before she left i noticed she wasnt her best and i asked her if she waned to talk..she said she had already told too many people and wanted to froget about it.... i may sound stuck up by saying that maybe she didnt tell the right people..maybe she didnt exactly look for the people that could help her she just told the people she was with for that day.. me bein the last to know everything...i got pushed away.... her mom wants me to call her if i hear any rumors about my friend and she wants me to stand up for her when i know what they say is wrong.. i plan... im glad she ios getting the help she needs.... but this is these r her last two weeks until she is home schooled....i made her promise we would still be friends no matter what happens..im glad we made that promise... im glad i told her i loved her whenever i could..i think it will make her stronger in the long run..i have faith in my friend..that she will live through this...and ill be there for her..the whole way through..to remind her
remember with a loving heart
while holding all the teardrops in heaven
that you ar loved
always

happiness from within...

As you all have heard in my earlier blogs, my sister ashley is my favorite person.. and im very glad she found someone that could come so close to how perfect she is.. im glad they r both happy they deserve eachother and they r perfect for eachother..even the stars think so.. ashley you mentioned in your blog that you knew id always be there for you..this is very true and im glad you know that...you also mentioned that you didnt know if you'd always be there for me..all this requires is you to be within cell phone reception with at least 1 good ear and you have to have at least one shoulder just in case i need it to cry on and because if you didnt id get a little worried..lol..
im glad i have people i cant talk to when i need it the most and you and kitty..will be the first that i go to.. ashley-

you know im here
to wipe you every tear
you can always rely on
my shoulder to cry on
whether or not i am here
your always greeted with a caring ear
all you need to do
is to do for me what i do for you
i love you ash with all my heart
til by life and death our lives shall part

i missed talking to you too..luv ya ash

G'night everyone
yours truly
Tif

aimless yet not painless

This to you may seem too long ago to have any effect on me now (4 yrs later): in 6th grade i liked this guy for the third yr in a row. at our last dance, i had a friend that was going to ask Ben (the guy i liked) to dance with me. he said yes but during the song he was sposed to dance with me. he asked my friend out. of course i didnt no this had taken place i just knew he didnt dance with me and i was very upset so upset i spent the next four songs crying in the bathroom. when i came out my class wasa standing outside of the bathroom talking about me and i quote "if kirsten likes Ben the way we think she does...." and they stopped when they noticed me. i ended up crying through another dance..(bad day obviously).. then after going back into the gym i noticed ben was crying and i didnt think ne thing of it cuz i was super pissed and i had cried too. i started to huff and puff to show him how pissed i was at him. after the dance my friend told me what went on during our song- she was asked out but said no so i would maybe have a chance with him and becuase she didnt think of him as ne more than a friend. he moved at the end of that yr. 7th grade was one of the worst yrs in whole of my life (so far) i was really upset about never being able to see ben again so that whole yr i was harrassed by my class mates about being pissy all the time when really i wasnt. that yr i was suicidal and the only people that got me through were my best friend and my sister ashley. on the night i planned on killing myself i was at my best friends house getting my haircut and she decided that i should go to the movies with her that night so i did. after the movie i still hadnt changed my mind until i saw ben i was sooooo excited obviously no attempt was made. it took a little bit more than that to totally rid me of depression but that helped the most. 8th grade i was really really close with my class of 21. in fact im still close with almost all of them. 8 th grade graduation was the last time i saw ben. two months ago was how long it took for me to stop blaming ben for the 6th grade dance..
thats 4 yrs.. that doesnt say much..that was when i realized i spent the last 4 yrs mad at him when all he did was fall for my friend. in 4th grade we were best friends (I still liked him).. he holds all my favorite memories between 3rd and 8th grade. this yr my best friend Kitty and i tried to catagorize what i had for him..it wasnt infatuation..i didnt think of him as only hot..i considered his mind before his body.. it wasnt just a crush..its been 7 yrs and im still waiting for him..its love.. he just doesnt no it.. he was told by classmates that i liked him in 6th grade but never by me..a guy friend told me that i might have ended better if id have told him myself....i blew my chances...now everytime i hear the piano being played..or see a great piece of woodwork i think of him...i hear him in his and my friends that we share..i hear him whisper in the wind.. hes in all my pictures..my hopes and dreams..and my future..i refuse anyone but him..

sry for making this one so long.. thanx for reading this and trying to understand... id like to hear your comments.... other than forgive and forget ive tried but i cant forget..
talk to yall latta
Tif
G'night

family matters

For many of you that dont know me, my name is kirsten but my oldest sister ashley gave me the nickname tif. Ashley and I are usually rather close. We tell each other everything; until recently when Ashley has started to exclude me in what goes on in her life, certain topics such as, whats new in her life..I dont even know her any more..Im quite disturbed by this thought because she is going to college next yr and I dont want to lose touch...I meanIi have plenty of sisters I could chose from if I was only concerned about being alone but over the yrs we have formed sort of a special friendship..but ever since her and her boyfriend broke up we havent been connecting. ..she didnt even tell me her and him broke up. I found out from my friends 3 days after. today was propbably the closest we've come to spending time together other than the ride to and from school..Im going with her to the bou with her and her friends.. the only problem is I dont think she'll want to spend time with me..she only half heartedly invuited me..as if she didnt want me to go..I'd tell her but I dont want to have to explain my story so she could understand what im going through..Ive been told she just needs time with her friends but I need time with her.. before she leaves...